Double Feature // “Masters of the Universe” and “Mortal Kombat” (2021)
For Adam Brown, wherever you are.
Less than a 3 minute read.
Masters of the Universe is easy on the eyes and has some great moments, but it also trips over its own feet. Another person in the theater laughed out loud several times. It's PG-13, but has an unfunny joke about fisting that gets made over and over again, then escalates to a lightly homophobic and unfunny joke about men giving head. It tries to add nuance and subtlety to the hero vs. villain story, then stops trying, then tries one more time and fails. It's 133 minutes long. It's based on a beloved kids cartoon from forty years ago that lived on by the power of Grayskull, memorable character design, and shrewd merchandising.
Mortal Kombat (2021) is a reboot no one asked for in series of not great movies with some cool fights, creative gore, and a guy with four arms un-creatively named Goro. It succeeds by being not actually that terrible. The bad guys want to take over the world. The good guys want to stop them, but their ragtag crew has to give it their all to prevail in the end. There's not a lot of subtlety. It's based on a fighting video game series that started thirty years ago, triggered Congressional hearings, and spawned a media franchise empire that's made more money than The Simpsons[1].
I saw these two movies the same day. First, I went out to see Masters of the Universe at lunch time. It put me in a movie mood, so that night I streamed Mortal Kombat at home. Not much thought went into what to watch, but I guess on some level I'm the target audience for both films?
I heard somewhere the He-Man movie had people excited, which confused me. Seemed like an odd franchise to dust off now. I vividly remember being in preschool and reading a paperback kids book about He-Man. I don't think I ever watched the cartoons; it was an old show by the time I started watching TV. I am familiar with Skeletor's voice, so I must have watched some of it in the decades since it first aired. He-Man was never front of mind for me, but the merchandising worked and I was aware of the main points. I have more history with Mortal Kombat, but still not much.
When it came out, I assumed this movie would be awful and pointlessly gruesome. Seemed like a movie that would make money off people who are into gore perpetrated by and against guys named Goro. In 1993, I wasn't allowed to play Mortal Kombat because of the extreme pixel-gore in it. I vividly remember being at Adam Brown's house when I was 8 or 9 years old and his parents had gotten him the game. I knew this was a mistake. Adam knew this was a mistake. Congress knew this was a mistake.
With me watching, Adam turned the game on and tried to perform the goriest fatalities. This was before ubiquitous internet, so knowing the combo required secret knowledge from other kids, buying a gaming magazine, or calling a 900 number. While he played and I watched, his parents apparently heard from Congress and reconsidered letting him have the game. With me watching, they came in and took it away from him, and Adam flawlessly executed the goriest fatality of all: a single-child temper tantrum of righteous indignation. It was one of the first times I remember deeply questioning adult judgement.
These movies were both fine, and I'll remember watching them the same day. I'll remember that neither had the sense of wonder, surprise, and amazement I get from a good original non-franchise story. I'll remember that they leaned hard on familiarity. I’ll remember that Masters of the Universe squandered its foundation whereas Mortal Kombat made took reliable and risk-free advantage of its own foundation.
I didn't love these movies, but I love movies. I had a good time watching them and that’s probably enough.
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_highest-grossing_media_franchises. Yes, I'm citing to Wikipedia. I read the references and followed the breadcrumbs and I'm open to alternative interpretations, citations, and argument here if there are better sources available.